Tuesday, March 10, 2009

New Baby Update

I am now 24 weeks, 3 days pregnant with the newest Urth. At this point, the baby has about a 60% chance of survival if born right now. Next week, the likelihood of survival goes up to 80%, and the following week, 88%. By 29 weeks, 99% of babies born survive.

Of course, in our world, statistics are pretty meaningless. Our "luck" so far has been pretty incredible- natural identical twins, and then both of them dying of TTTS. Those odds are very slim. I've found that once you've been on the wrong side of a statistic, statistics don't hold much water anymore.

Our biggest concern is that the baby will pass away in utero, like Vivian and Annemarie did, and then there is nothing we can do.

I haven't written much about this pregnancy, not because I am not excited, because I am very excited, but because I am scared out of my mind. Everyone tells me to relax and "think positive"- I did that with Vivian and Annemarie, too. So, I don't think that makes a difference.

I honestly don't know what we will do if this baby does not survive. It's hard to think about. The anxiety of this pregnancy is overwhelming. I am trying so hard to be a great mom to Paprika, but also trying to "take it easy"- and everytime I overextend myself even a little bit, I wonder, "Is that it? Is the baby gone now?"

We have about 14 weeks left til I'll be induced. I can't tell you how slowly this pregnancy is going. I really can't remember not being pregnant. I was pregnant for a short time with the baby I miscarried, then immediately afterwards became pregnant with Vivian and Annemarie, and then recovered for 8 weeks, and then became pregnant again. I don't feel like "myself" at all- I feel like a perpetual baby gestater who never gets to bring home a baby.

I am, of course, feeling all the regular physical pregnancy-related aches and pains. I am big, and resemble a whale. Which is pretty appropriate, because a whale gestates for 13 months, and I've been pregnant longer than that already! ;-)

But really what's so much harder is the mental part of being pregnant this time. Thinking about the "what-ifs" and trying to stay positive, but also knowing all of the things that can go wrong. I started a support group a few months ago for women who have lost babies, and it's been wonderfully supportive and I'm so glad I did it- but man, now I really do know each and every way you can lose a child!

We are really happy and excited about Urth Baby #5. But we also know there are absolutely no guarantees since I know what it's like to spend 18 hours in labor and go home empty-handed. Still, we are very hopeful.

I'm going to try to write more about my pregnancy, and enjoy it more. I wish I could go back to the innocence I had when I was pregnant with Paprika. I just don't know how to get back to that place...working on it.

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