Saturday, July 4, 2009

Happy 4th of July!

Happy 4th of July!

We are enjoying our last few days before Mr. Mustard goes back to work. He'll be working on Extreme Makeover Home Edition starting on Monday. We are going to miss him around here during the day!

Our 4th of July started on Friday...we grilled up some nitrate-free hot dogs and made a patriotic fruit salad (blueberries, strawberries and bananas) for lunch and just enjoyed hanging out together as a family.

Today, on the real 4th of July, we're hitting a friend's pool party, and maybe going to the annual hometown parade in our neighborhood. The parade is pretty fun- it's a lot of wagons, kids, and dressed-up dogs. At the end, we meet up at the park and there is a big In 'N Out truck that comes and serves lunch.

I know Paprika is especially looking forward to the pool party. Being just two weeks post-partum, I don't think I'm going to be getting in the pool...or even wearing a swimsuit, for that matter! But I do want to go and see everyone, and maybe dip a toe or two into the pool!

I'm doing pretty well. July is a hard month for me...I can't deny it. Last year at the time, I was pregnant with our twins. The first part of July is a time I remember with fondness- a time when I was truly happy and carefree and had no idea what the future held. On July 11th and 12th, of course, all that changed, and so July is a very bittersweet time for me. I still miss our twins a great deal and think of them often. My love for Ginger and Paprika does not negate the sadness I have surrounding the loss of our twins. I am so happy we have Ginger, of course...but also still so sad that we don't have Vivian and Annemarie. It's very complicated, and hard to handle even without all the postpartum hormones circulating in my system right now.

I don't know how I am going to feel next weekend, which is the one year anniversary of Vivian and Annemarie's delivery. I would like to say that at one year out, I am doing much better. I would like to say that...but I don't know how true that is. I am still devastated by losing our girls, and still have a hard time feeling like I can fit in with normal life. I am not incapacitated like I was a year ago. I am able to have a little bit of perspective and not fly off the handle when someone says something dumb. I guess you could say I am a better dinner guest than I was a year ago.

I don't think I will ever be the same as I once was...and I am sad about that some days still. I would like to go back to that carefree innocence I had on the morning of July 11th before we found out that both girls had passed away in-utero. I remember driving down the freeway on my way to my perinatologist's office and feeling so happy and so free. The things I worried about then seem very foreign to me now. I wish I could go back to that place, and yet I know that I won't's a foreign land I have left behind for eternity.

Still, some sense of normalcy is beginning to creep back into my life. For one, the superficial concerns of things like postpartum weight loss have been grabbing my attention recently. ;-) I take that as a good sign because right after we lost the girls, weight loss was pretty far down on my list of concerns...things like getting out of bed to wash my face had to be made a priority.

I am very thankful for having Mr. Mustard to lean on this past year. I don't know how I could have gotten through this past year without him. He also suffered the loss of two daughters, yet he has been such a wonderful support for me, even though I know he has also been sad and grieving. I think a lot of marriages would crack under the strain of what we have been through, and I don't really blame them! But we are still together and strong, which is something I am so grateful for. Now more than ever, I know that I married the right person.

So, we will celebrate the is not the same as last year, but that's to be expected. Life goes on. Last year, we went to the 4th of July fireworks extravaganza at our local park, and I commented to Mr. Mustard that we wouldn't be going this year because we'd have two babies and the fireworks would hurt their ears. We're not going this year because we have Ginger, and yes, the fireworks would also hurt her ears! I could not have predicted the turn of events this past year would take...and yet in some ways, some things have remained the same. I am grateful for what we have, but sad for what we have lost.

On a side note, I have been taking lots of pictures but can't upload them right now because our computer is out of disk space! Mr. Mustard assures me that if I upload any more pictures to our computer, the whole thing will crash and we'll lose everything. So, I'm letting him deal with all of that before I can post pictures. But be assured, I am still taking umpteenth million pictures of Ginger and Paprika...and will continue doing so despite Mr. Mustard's protests to "stop taking so many pictures!"

Have a wonderful 4th of July and enjoy yourselves, whatever you're doing this weekend!

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