Wednesday, July 8, 2009

The Anniversary

This week has been hard for me. I am trying not to slip into dark moods, or get too sad, or be overly self-indulgent in missing Vivian and Annemarie this week as we gear up to the one year anniversary this Sunday.

I really appreciate all the calls, emails, and texts of support- they have cheered me up so much. I am not sure what we're doing this weekend for the one year anniversary...probably just something the four of us on Sunday (the 12th). I wish I was one of those people who wanted to be around tons of people when I'm sad, but the truth is that when I'm sad, I really just want to be alone. Maybe that's not the healthiest way to be...but that's how I am.

Having Ginger here is proving to be quite the distraction, and I can't help but be happy when I look at her sweet face. If we didn't have her, I know that this week would be so much harder. She gives us a lot of hope.

I'm sure I will have more to say over the next days and weeks about Vivian and Annemarie, and what things are like one year after losing them. I look back at the past year and everything we have been through, and can't imagine how we possibly moved forward each day. Some challenges in my life have seemed Herculean in retrospect (like taking the California Bar Exam 38 weeks pregnant) - but I assure you that during the moment, I was just putting one foot in front of the other, moving forward.

That's how the past year has seemed. From delivering our twins stillborn last July 12th and the grief we endured from that loss, to getting pregnant 8 weeks later and navigating a pregnancy wrought with high anxiety and emotions...looking back, I think, "how the heck did we get through that?" But here we are. One day at a time, one foot in front of the we are.

So, as I know the next few days are going to be pretty hellish for me...I think, how will I get through it? One foot in front of the other. One day at a time. One moment at a time. That's the only way to do it.

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