7 Years

Today was Mr. Mustard and my 7 year wedding anniversary. It goes without saying that we didn't feel like celebrating.

Yesterday after I heard the news about Steven, I went down to the beach to clear my head. Everything seemed so wrong and I thought that if I went there, maybe I could stop the deafening roar in my head screaming, "Noooooo!"

You would think that when something so tragic happens that the world would stop. That things would be gray and muted. That the sky would weep rain.

Like this:



But the beach was crowded and impossibly sunny. Everyone was enjoying their Sunday and all I kept thinking was: how can they? how do they not know? how can the sun still shine? how can the waves still crash?

My camera has been gathering dust on the shelf. I don't feel like taking any pictures - the world is too bright.

I did take one picture of Paprika on Sunday. She said, "Is mommy sad?" And I said, "yes. terribly." And she said, "well, then I am going to be sad, too. okay?"



The girls and I have been really sick since Friday. Just bad colds. (Mr. Mustard is fine, thankfully). Paprika rubbed the skin off under her nose (hence the band-aid), and Ginger can't sleep because she's so congested. If there ever was a time for the kids to get sick, this weekend wasn't it. Between trying to care for them, them being too congested and miserable to sleep (and hence very cranky), and trying to process the enormity and tragedy of Steven passing away...it's been really hard (understatement).

This is one of those times that I wish I still lived in Indiana, and not so far away. We are travelling out for the funeral and memorial, and wish we could be there more. I think our colds will have passed by the time we get on the plane, here's hoping.

Thank you for your prayers for the family. Aunt Jeanette, Uncle Ed, and Brian (Steven's brother) need to feel enveloped by love, and support. We love them, and it means so much to know that you care, too, and you are keeping them in your prayers. Really, it means so much. Thank you.