Friday, August 26, 2011

The Denial Is Thick!


I seem to have found myself with a very strong case of denial. Denial that I am pregnant, and not just fat. Denial that a baby will hopefully be joining our family in 10 more weeks. No baby items ordered, no nesting to speak of, no names picked out. I am finding it really hard this time to fathom that this pregnancy is real. Yes, lots of kicks are telling me it is. I want this baby so badly, I just don't know if I will ever get to that place of thinking that the future as I see it will actually happen.

It is very hard for me to say what I think will happen next year, or even next week. I never take for granted that we will all still be here - and I know that must seem so morbid. I just don't take it for granted that I will see all my kids graduate from highschool - it is something I hope and pray for...but I never feel like we are guaranteed even one more moment past this one.


I think I first learned that when I was in the fire way back when. Other events have solidified that for me. Vivian and Annemarie's deaths, of course. And my cousin Stephen last year. You think everything is going to be one way, and then it isn't. So, why plan????

Of course, I still plan. But in the back of my head, there is always that nagging "what if..." and then a plan B, plan C, and so on.

So, next week Paprika starts kindergarten. Well, actually it's developmental kindergarten (DK), which is basically a Pre-K through the public school. The DK covers the same material as kindergarten and the kids have the option of 1st grade the next year...which actually just adds to my confusion and denial about the whole thing. I am dreading it, nervous about it, and totally unprepared for it!

I should have ordered her a cute backpack a month ago, but did I? No! She wanted this one certain one from LL Bean, and I waited too long and now it's out of stock. I even called the store in Freeport, Maine to see if they have one there (Grandma Pat is going next month to Maine)...but they don't even have one in the store! And yes, no luck on Ebay either.


So, instead of focusing on the gazillion things I have going on, need to do, and desperately must take care of...what do I focus on? Her school backpack. As if finding that perfect backpack will somehow give us an insurance policy that DK is going to go well for her. Obviously, having a great backpack will equal a great kindergarten (or is it really kindergarten because it's DK???) experience.

All this anxiety is giving me nightmares. Last night, I had a dream that someone in Paprika's class told her there wasn't a Santa Claus. Can you imagine?! Of course, this made me even more convinced that this whole kindergarten business is a bad idea.


In the back of my mind, I am thinking...if kindergarten doesn't work out for her (for whatever reason), we have lots of options. Pre-K at a private school. A home tutor. Homeschooling. I have tossed every idea you can think of back and forth just so I don't have to process that on Wednesday I will have a kindergartener.

As I said, the denial is very thick! Now if you'll excuse me, I have a to-do list a million miles long that is calling my name...and a backpack to find...and a little girl to squeeze and love and remind her that yes, there really IS a Santa matter what anyone else says! ;-)



Sheila said...

I can handle her in kindergarten or DK, but the day she know longer wants to wear her wings will make me cry.
You can do this Erika, you have to make it a great new adventure for her and all of you!

christine said...

Why don't you post a picture or the particular name of the backpack? The blogging world is a big place, maybe someone has an extra one or since I sell on Ebay, I can search completed listings and keep an eye out for you too.

Personally I think you'd be great for homeschooling but I'm a bit partial to it ;). Also I tend to worry about things like Santa Claus & someone spilling the beans too. :) We're headed out to Cali for Christmas and my brothers kids were told along time ago there is no Santa, and they're the same age as my kids, so I sit here and worry, what if one of them slips up and says something to my kids? Should I ask my brother and his wife to mention to their kids not to say anything at all or should I just let it go and see what happens? I think we all have some sort of anxieties with our kids, it's normal. And did you ever go to Dr. N? Hoping all went well if you did, let me know.

pinksarahh said...

I love these pictures! Capturing every moment! So pretty! :)

Sheila said...

Yes, Christine you should ask them pretty please to be a part of the magic with you for your children's enjoyment. Consider it part of the holiday fun to be "in the know" and adding to your childrens enchantment.
Depending on their answer you'll know if you should make the trip at that time of year or wait a few years.

waikikimum said...

You are a gorgeous mum Erika, try to take each day as it comes and then make decisions as you go. I have had kids in public school, now have one in private school and home school one.If someone had asked 5 years ago if I would home school a child I would have said "HELL NO" . Circumstances changed all that and am now loving home schooling. Your Paprika is just precious!!!

Kim said...

It's easy to say "enjoy the moment" and it looks like you do, but it is so hard not to worry when you have been through such a great loss (and then some). I have always noticed your comments when talking about this pregnancy- hoping things will turn out good and seeming to doubt in some way they will and I my heart aches for you each time I read that because I know that feeling. Having already been through a loss you know what can happen, but I remember feeling that way with my pregnancy with Reese and Scotlyn. After having a miscarriage, which was already devastating for me, I was always so worried during my pregnancy with Reese and Scotlyn and I remember that sick feeling and I hate that for you. Ugh and I am totally feeling for you with having Paprika going to kindergarten:( Brennan is only starting his 2nd year of preschool and I'm already having anxiety about him going to kindergarten. I hope all of your decisions come easily and naturally and that Paprikas transition to DK goes smoothly! Oh and sometimes it's just easier to focus on the simple things (backpack)!