Monday, April 25, 2011

Beyond A Reasonable Doubt

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Today the girls dragged me to the beach (they were begging to go- what could I do?) It was so good to get out, and watch them play the day away in the sunshine. How could that not put a smile on your face?

I really needed today because, to be honest, the past week has been really rough. I know it has a lot to do with my attitude, and feeling defeated about this pregnancy and pregnancy, in general.

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I remember when I was pregnant with Paprika, I had so much morning sickness. I was ill all the time. But I was happy because I knew that in the end, I would be holding my precious baby girl.

When I was pregnant with Vivian and Annemarie, I kept a gratitude journal. Every night I wrote down all that I was grateful for...little things, big things, silly things. Again, I was so sick, but I knew that in the end, it would all be worth it.

But it wasn't.

I went through so much in their pregnancy, just to have it end with nothing besides heartache. In some ways, I am so grateful that I had them. Other days, I wish I could go back to the person I was before I knew that kind of loss.

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I have been thinking about that gratitude journal a lot lately. I remember how after I came home from the hospital after delivering Vivian and Annemarie, I couldn't look at that book. The entries end abruptly on July 10th, 2008. Just like that, my ability to write down the beauty of silly, inane things was overshadowed by sadness.

I keep thinking I should start a gratitude journal again. I have this blog, which in many ways serves as a gratitude journal for me. I am so grateful for the life I have, even if it is not quite how I imagined it.

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Well, all this goes back to me being undeniably tired and sick and soooo nauseous this pregnancy. I don't know why I thought it would be any easier or better. I always forget.

But the difference this time, I guess, is that I don't really have the illusion that everything will turn out okay. That this will all be worth it in the end.

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This time, I am a little more reserved. Things are less raw, for sure. But I am still in a place where I just don't know what is going to happen.

I know I need to work on my attitude, because this pregnancy is going to progress in whatever way it will, and I need to enjoy it while it is here, for however long it lasts.

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Back in law school, in my class notes, I used acronyms like BRD to talk about beyond a reasonable doubt. Or MLTN to stand for more likely than not.

When I was pregnant with Paprika, I operated under the assumption that MLTN things would turn out fine.

Now I am carrying my sixth child, and two are here at home with me. Not good odds. Not good odds at all.

So, all this is to say that my attitude has been less than stellar lately. I have a hard time believing that Pavenzia will stay with us. I used to believe that your thoughts really can control what happens in your life. And to some extent, I think that is still true for some things. But as far as fertility, life, death, and the big stuff goes...I know that really it's not up to me. Whatever I do or don't do (within the bounds of responsible behavior) does not influence the outcome of this.

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I went back and forth for so long...what could I have done differently with Vivian and Annemarie? But the truth is, I was perfect in my pregnancy with them. I did everything right, and it didn't matter.

When I was pregnant with Ginger, I honestly felt like it was psychological torture. I was so happy to be pregnant with her...but honestly, every day I wondered if that was the last day of my pregnancy. I was shocked when she was born alive, and then moments after she was born, she couldn't breathe, and they took her away from me, and it was so surreal. I thought we had lost her. I never assumed she would be with us longer than her first breath.

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So here we are. Today was a beautiful day. We got to the beach after a disastrous morning. I threw up the Taco Bell I got for lunch. I took the girls to Trader Joe's, and left my purse on top of the car as we drove away. Everything was going so wrong, but then all of a sudden, I took a little vacation from my worry, and sickness, and we had this glorious time at the beach together.

I am not sure what tomorrow holds for any of us...least of all the baby I am carrying. But I do know that today was good, despite the rough spots. My next ultrasound is Wednesday. I hope Pavenzia is still with us then, but if not...at least we had today in the sun.

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8 comments:

mum2abby said...

I'm so glad you got out and enjoyed the sun with those beautiful girls of yours!! They are sunshine even on the cloudiest days!!! I am praying for you & your little baby...I hope that all is well at your ultrasound this week!!

Lorie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lorie said...

Favorite post! So beautifully captures your thoughts and honesty. Love to you.

becca said...

You are continually in my prayers.

Sheila said...

I'm there holding your hair, massaging your upper back, ready with a cool washcloth for your face, neck and wrist. It's ugghh having morning sickness and nausea no matter the time of day. Kuddos to you for basking in the sunshine with your beach ballerinas.
Ginger chews were my daughters best friend when she was pregnant. I just gave in to the inevitable and pushed through. I did sip on Coke and crushed ice afterward. I know you gave up the Coke but maybe you could handle a bit of Ginger Ale.
As for the emotional rollercoaster I wouldn't beat yourself up about it. When you need to, cry it out, it is cathartic. Just be sure the wee ones know you are okay but felt the need to cry. It's important as parents to let kids know it's okay to cry sometimes just because, it doesn't make them a "baby" and after they do it's usually easier to talk about why they needed the cry.

My word verification for this post is hublys, I think it means "have YOUR bliss" even if it comes in a moment here and a few seconds there. You and yours are loved. I found comfort in placing my hand on my abdomen and letting the baby feel my warmth and love. I'd always say under my breath I love you and I'm so happy you are near. Maybe it can bring you some comfort too.

Brenna said...

I can empathize so much with what you're feeling, E. And I'm so glad you got out there with your beautiful girls and enjoyed your day in the sun--that's all we can do, take it a day at a time and soak in the magical moments as they come. Here's hoping for many more for you and your family! xxoo

Mimi said...

Without your words, one could look at these photos and think "what an idyllic life".
But there's no such thing. For anyone.
The only thing we have is the present, 10 minutes time doesn't exist, cos everything could change in a second.
So, enjoy those moments when you can, and don't beat yourself up over nervous feelings. I'm sure the emotional rollercoaster is normal, being what you have gone through.
Take care.

THAT'S Interesting said...

You're in my prayers, Erika.