Saturday, July 26, 2008

Support Group

On Thursday night, Mr. Mustard and I went to a support group for parents who have experienced pregnancy and infant loss. It is at a local hospital and meets once/month. I was nervous about going, but decided to go anyway- and asked Mr. Mustard to meet me there.

It was quite a task getting there. I dropped Paprika off at the babysitter's, which she did NOT like. She was clinging to me as I left, screaming "mama, mama, NO!!!!!!" as I walked out the door. That was hard. Then Google Maps messed up the directions and I got very lost. So, I switched to the GPS system in our car, but that couldn't find the hospital either. Meanwhile, I was driving due west with the setting sun directly in my eyes blinding me as I drove. Mr. Mustard called to see where I was and I broke down crying- why was this happening to me, why couldn't I find the dang hospital- why does everything have to be so hard these days?

I eventually did find the hospital, and although I was 15 minutes late, the meeting had not started yet. It was good to hear others' stories, and although their stories were also very sad, it was comforting in a way. I'm glad Mr. Mustard went with me- it was nice having him there and having someone to talk to about the meeting after we got home.

You would think that the days passing would make things easier, but it doesn't. It was two weeks ago today that I delivered Vivian and Annemarie, and I feel as lost as ever. I miss them more every day and wish they were here.

The only real time I have to grieve is when Paprika is sleeping because when she's awake, I put on my brave face and try to be really upbeat for her. But when I see her mothering her dolls, singing to them, feeding them, pushing them in their stroller, it makes me really sad. I know how wonderful a big sister she would have been to Vivian and Annemarie, and I am heartbroken that they are not with us.

We were supposed to go to Las Vegas this weekend for Ryan and Tom's bachelor party - well, Mr. Mustard was supposed to go- but then we decided we'd all go and Paprika and I would get a separate room. But when it came down to leaving last night, we just couldn't do it. We're not ready for Las Vegas. I can barely go to the grocery store without breaking down- seeing babies, twins even, and then all the magazine covers that taunt me.

I miss Vivian and Annemarie so much. I know you understand.

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