Friday, July 5, 2013

Happy 4th of July!


So, we are in the month of July and yesterday was July 4th, of course! 

We went to a park near our house - it is the little girls' (Ginger and Violet's) favorite park of all.  It is usually very crowded with lots of nannies and babies during the week, but yesterday it was practically empty.

I say practically empty because there was just one other family there.  A sweet little family with identical twin girls...who I kid you not, looked JUST like my children! 

I wanted to take a picture of them.  Then I wanted to steal them (not really, but kinda).  Then, I just got sad.  They were a cute family - and the parents seemed so invested.  Such good parents.  The kind that bring a towel and sunscreen to the park for their kids.  Not the type of parents that you can make fun of or call undeserving  - not that I'd do that...  ;-)


And so I thought for a moment about everything. How in just a week, it will be the 5 year anniversary of Vivian and Annemarie's death (July 12th).  And in those 5 years, I have come so far.  But, still, two little girls on a playground have the power to bring me to my knees.

I have a beautiful family - I do, and I know that, and I am so incredibly thankful and I feel so undeserving of the miracles of each of my children. 

And, it is hard (for me) to reconcile that because Vivian and Annemarie died, Ginger and Violet got to live.  That is hard. 

But, I feel that in this path of grief I have walked these past five years, it has deepened me in countless ways, gotten down to the root of my soul, and made me stronger than I ever knew I could be.  I am forever changed because of Vivian and Annemarie, and I am so thankful to God and to them for everything they have done in my life.

But sometimes it still sucks to see twins at the playground.  Just sayin'...  ;-)

Here is my little trio on the swings.  Ginger was SO tired!  She actually fell asleep in the van as soon as we left the park. 


Mr. Mustard and I watched the girls play at the playground and shared some deep thoughts.  We were discussing all the 4th of Julys we've spent together - thirteen in all - and how good life is, but also how puzzling and complex it can be.  Or, maybe I was just talking and he was just listening and nodding.  Probably that!  Ha!

Happy 4th of July! :-)

That night we played with sparklers - I am freaked about fireworks because I got burned by a sparkler when I was 4 and haven't ever really gotten over it. I was really cautious about letting the girls try it, but I figured Paprika was old enough (and careful enough). She had the BEST time!


I overcame my fear of sparklers, and we all had fun writing in the sky.  Here are a few we did...

I love you:








And, of course...

Happy 4th:


The End!


Not Just A Blonde said...

Wonderful sparkler art! I do find it interesting that so many identical twin girls cross your path... being with you last Summer I was able to witness it in person.... possibly just a coincidence (if you believe in that) but honestly, being with you it seemed so much more that that. I'm grateful for the twins as well... and you know how they've impacted me & my spiritual walk... at first shaken now more solid than ever! I live though with a continuous ache in my heart for you knowing how much you miss them and just want to see them dance with their earth bound sisters and you... it's understandable and beautiful. I love you & all your beautiful girls and thank you for sharing them not just with me but with all your Urth mama readers. Their little lives bringing with them meaning, love, complexity and depth to our lives... and a special beauty all their own.

Mimi said...

Erika, the minute I read "twin girls", I thought it was going to be hard for you. I think it's something that will recur, and you learn to live with it, as you are doing. You're an inspiration, really you are. Your 3 girls here, and your 2 in heaven, are very lucky to have a wonderful mother and father.
And, as the above comment says, it touches my heart to share the everyday joys on Urthmama! Happy 4th!