Monday, January 31, 2011

What I've Got Right Now

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I really appreciate everybody being so supportive of my last post. I can't tell you how much it meant to me to have so many people lifting me up during my little pity party!

I really am feeling so much better now. We have decided to stop TTC and just see what happens on its own. I am sad about it, but really the craziness of TTC is something I just don't want to deal with anymore. It was all I could focus on, and I felt like I was missing out on so many good things in my life.

I remember when I was in a very dark place of grief after Vivian and Annemarie died, and I couldn't think about anything else. Even though I was home, I missed out on so many things during Paprika's second year of life because my mind was just someplace else. I am so sad to say that- but it's true. I can look back at pictures and recall what was going on, but if I didn't have the pictures I don't think I'd remember.

I want to be here and focusing on the present and what is good now, you know...instead of thinking about what might be or could be or even might have been.

In the spirit of that, I took the girls to the beach today. It was glorious. We had the whole place to ourselves, and Paprika was so excited to be there.

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I never thought I'd be raising two California girls, but here I am...and funny enough, I know it's where I'm supposed to be.

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Paprika is fearless. I mean, she was running into the water (icy cold Pacific water) and jumping around like it was her own personal bathtub.

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Ginger is really nurturing and has to make sure all her dolls and stuffed animals get enough food and water. This little tiger was her pet today and she had to make sure to feed him sand because he was so hungry. A few minutes later, she took him into the water and they both got drenched. She didn't care that she was soaking from head to toe, but she was so sad about the tiger. Ha!

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This weekend I put together my little workshop for my jewelry business! It's actually our bedroom closet...which if you've seen our closet, it's really small. But all I really needed was a corner, and I didn't want to have to set up and take down everything all the time. I can lock the closet door so everything is safe from little fingers.

The only bummer was that I had to move out half of my clothes- but that's okay because I just moved out the half that I never wear! I'm going to donate them to charity, and so they'll help someone else instead of just taking up precious space in our house.

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I know I keep harping on it, but it really does feel so freeing to have that TTC load taken off my mind. I will be so sad if we never have anymore children, but sadder would be to miss the good times because I'm so caught up in that. For awhile now I've felt like I was trying to force things to be a certain way. As if us having another child would make up for Vivian and Annemarie.

But the truth is that no one can replace them. It's really sad, but it's just life. I do wish I could become pregnant with identical twin girls again, and have the experience of raising them. I still have days when I am angry about our loss. But I have to remember that when I got pregnant with Vivian and Annemarie, it was a surprise. I wasn't expecting or hoping for twins. I wasn't taking any fertility treatments or going to a doctor to try to get pregnant. I had never even hoped for twins before I got pregnant.

So, I am ready to give up control and the idea that I can ever make things right with their passing. I just can't fix the loss of them, and I am surrendering to that and hoisting the white flag.

But what I can do is focus on the things that matter right now. The people who are here. And the beautiful days we are enjoying right now.

I don't want to live in the past, or even the future. Right now is what I've got...and I want to make the most of that.

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So, today we did just that. We had a full day of beach fun. The girls had the best time chasing seagulls, building sandcastles, and getting unbelieveably wet and sandy on what felt like our own private beach (we were the only ones there).

It was a gorgeous day and I felt so happy to spend it with them.

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Afterwards, I took them out for homemade ice cream at our favorite ice cream parlour. I had to order Ginger one, too (she's at that age now where she wants to eat exactly what Paprika's having). Of course, Ginger had half a bite and was done! Ahhh well. Good thing I caught her one bite on camera. Haha!

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14 comments:

Stunningly Sweet said...

Beautiful pictures! May many blessings come your way!

Devon said...

GORGEOUS pictures!

i'm right there with ya friend...

mommy4boys said...

Love it, love it! I have actually posted this on my favorites page. It's a good reminder that I think we all need once in awhile. Thank you again!
Carrie

Amber E. said...

You always inspire me to live more in the moment, allow my children to be children, to forgive the not-so-good things that happen to me and be more peaceful in life.

That's how I would describe you (though I've never met you). Peaceful.

I'm glad you're letting go of the TTC if it has been burdening you. And I hope someday, you are blessed with another child you can parent as well and as loving as you parent the four you have.

Best from Bucharest,
A

Sheila said...

You sound years lighter!
What a wonderful way to start a new year... enlightened.

If I ever get to California you're gonna have to show me where this beach is. It looks like so much fun.

So happy to see you all living your best life. Sweet bliss all over your faces.

Lauren said...

Amen sista! I think that's a great plan to enjoy what you've got going on right now. Your life is full of blessings and love. Stopping TTC doesn't mean it still wont happen for you.

Love all your pictures. It looks like a beautiful day on the beach!

Kim said...

It can be all consuming when we want the most beautiful thing in the world. Good for you for taking the next step into conquering this emotional stress you have had. Your pictures are absolutely gorgeous! It looks SO enticing more now than ever-the beach! If you saw my post today, you would see why:)

MamaBerg said...

Love you! (my word verification is "booze"...?)

The Phoenix said...

Looks like a beautiful day! In the second to last picture of Paprika, you can almost see the letter "V" in the clouds on the left hand side and the letter "A" with the sun's rays and the straight cloud crossing through it.

Mimi said...

Good.
You're back on track.

Jenny said...

I am so sorry for your loss and the hardship of TTC.

You dont know me. I stumbled across your blog while looking for others who had lost identical twins.

I lost identical twin boys at 20 weeks from TTTS. I have been TTC since I lost them over 1 1/2 yrs ago. Everything you said sounds exactly like me. I have a 4 yr old daughter that I should be expending all my energy on but instead I am obsessed with TTC. It is a hard and bumpy road that I know very well.

Thank you for this post. It was exactly what I needed to hear.

butterflymom said...

Erika,
I love this post. Thank you for something so uplifting...and good for my soul. Although, I know that we all wish for "more" or even "something different", that there are things/people in our lives that truly make it remarkable. I truly appreciated and needed this post. ((hugs))

The Mama said...

I am so jealous of your sun and beach! Hurrah for living in the moment, a good reminder for us all.

Erin said...

Erika - you are so BRAVE and wonderful. I think you are doing exactly what you should. Everyone says that the baby thing happens the easiest when you aren't stressed about it. Focusing on other things truly will take so much pressure off. Those two girls are so darling. I wish we could meet at the beach! I know all of our girls would get along famously. :)

p.s. Now I'm so curious to know who your friend was that is up for an Academy award!!??