Big Things!

Back five years ago when I started this blog (can you believe it's been five years...me neither!), I didn't know anyone else who had a blog. People didn't read other people's blogs really. It just wasn't the thing back then...you know, in the dark ages.

But things have changed! Now everyone has a blog and blogs have become tools of marketing, and ways to launch businesses and big ideas. And honestly, I often feel left behind. Because my blog hasn't changed much in five years.

I still blog about the same things I always have. This blog is basically my personal journal of our family...the little things that make up our days that add up to our lives.

It often isn't big or exciting. It is just LIFE (and sometimes death).



Lately I haven't been writing about what is really going on in my head. Why? Honestly, sometimes I wonder if I'll be judged. I wonder if so and so will read it and get it in their head that I am this or that.

But really, if so and so comes to my blog and is looking to judge me...well, I can't be bothered with that. I have to worry about me and not worry about the hypothetical (maybe inevitable) judgement that might come my way.

This blog is my voice, and if I can't say what I want to say on my own freaking blog, then when can I say those things? And if I can't say the things I want to say, I might just go crazy. And craziness is not something I want to usher onto my doorstep.



So, here are a few things I want to say.

The first is that we are trying to conceive (TTC for all those who know the lingo). It sucks basically. We have been trying for about a year now, and it's obviously not working. It's really stressful and yet I feel guilty for even wanting another child. I think I should feel grateful for the two living children we have and be willing to call it a day. But the truth is that since we were pregnant with Vivian and Annemarie, we have envisioned ourselves as a family with at least three living children. And it breaks my heart that it probably won't happen.

For the past six months we have been working with a doctor to try to get pregnant, and I am so tired by it all. I just don't want to stress about it anymore. The next step for us would be more invasive treatments, and I just don't want to go there. It's a lot of time, and money and heartache for an outcome that isn't even likely. It is more likely than not that we will spend thousands of dollars and still not get pregnant.



The past few months we have seriously been talking about adoption. We have researched domestic and international adoption. We even looked at the file of one child who was available for adoption and came quite close to saying yes. But we didn't. Right now I just don't think that path is the right one for us, although I'm not saying we wouldn't consider it in the future.




All of this TTC business has given me a case of the have nots. The have nots are what my best friend Ann calls when you constantly compare the worst in your life to the best in other people's lives.

It's no big secret that many people I know have become fabulously wealthy, famous, or successful in the past few years. I have friends who have sold scripts, who have launched successful businesses, produced big movies, started thriving legal practices, become partners at law firms, and created TV shows.

The struggling actress who used to hang out at my apartment way back when has just been nominated for her third Academy Award. Yup. Not to mention that most of the women I'm talking about also had babies, and got back into their Size 2s moments after the baby emerged from the birth canal.

It has all left me with a big case of the have nots. The big pity party that I so should not be having. I do not begrudge anyone their successes...I mean, I am not out there writing scripts, pitching TV shows or going to acting auditions, you know? For the most part, the successes have been because that is what these people have been focusing on. It's what they've been pouring their time and energy into on a daily basis. The culmination of years of hard work after facing a lot of rejection.

So, all this has had me thinking...where do I want to focus my time and energy?



I started thinking about all the kids I read about while I was researching adoption. Heartbreaking, tragic stories that left me sleepless. Stories I couldn't (and still can't) get out of my head. If we adopted one child...that is a great thing for that one child. But what about the thousands of others who are left behind?

So, that is when I got the idea to launch a business benefitting children in need throughout the world. My plan is to design and make personalized jewelry (I'm selling it on Etsy, of course)...and 50% of all the profits will go to help pay for life-saving medical treatments, food, clean water, and care for babies and children around the world.

I am going to work on the shop after the girls go to bed, so it won't impact my time with them...which was a big concern for me.

Since I started thinking about using my time and energy for good, I have felt such a weight lifted from my shoulders. I am still sad that we are not able to conceive. I just am tired of wallowing in it. I want to use my free time and my talents to improve the world, and so I am super excited about this creative endeavor. It is definitely a distraction that I really need right now and I am hopeful that something good (hopefully great) will come from this.

I am hoping to get my shop launched in the next month (or let's be realistic...within the next three months). Stay tuned. ;-)