Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Life In 3D

2-8-10-small-3


This picture of Ginger reminds me so much of those 3D/4D ultrasound pictures. You know, the ones where the baby's face is impossibly cute and scrunchy? We had a 3D/4D ultrasound with Ginger at our perinatologist's office when I was 20 weeks pregnant, but I was too worried at the time to ask for photos from our session. Plus at 20 weeks they don't look quite so scrunchy.

If you recall, ultrasounds were not a fun thing for me during Ginger's pregnancy. Although they were necessary, and I had a gazillion of them, I never did enjoy them. Our final ultrasound with Vivian and Annemarie (when we found out they had both passed away in utero), pretty much sealed the deal on ultrasounds never being a fun thing.

So, yesterday when I snapped this picture of Ginger, snuggled up so tight and close to Mr. Mustard, I got the warm feeling: this is probably what she looked like inside of me not too long ago. She was the same baby then as she is now. She was the same baby when I was 20 weeks pregnant, 30 weeks pregnant, at three months old, and now at almost eight months old. She has always been who she is, as God created her.

Seeing Ginger like this made me miss our twins, the ones who I will never watch blow out their first birthday candles. Who I will never send off to college. Or fix their veils on their wedding days. I had seven ultrasounds with Vivian and Annemarie. Seven times when I saw them alive. Seven photographs of them alive. A few videos. I feel lucky to have those memories. But, I miss the chance to be with them. To kiss their soft peach fuzz. To listen to them laugh. Even to listen to them cry. I just miss them.

Life does go on, and I find myself here...two years after their conception. Two years after they came to earth, came into my body, and came into our hearts. Life has changed so much in those two years. For good. For bad. For better or worse.

As I hold Ginger, I think of her sisters she will never meet this side of Heaven. Of what they would be doing now, and how my heart aches for them, and for Ginger and Paprika to know them.

Life goes on, and I am getting on with it. I'm still moving forward, and still living life as happily and fully as I can. I'm enjoying each day to the fullest, because I know that our tomorrows are not promised to us.

Thinking of my sweet angels tonight and wishing they were here...


7 comments:

FourJedis said...

Thinking of you thinking of your girls. Ginger looks so precious and peaceful.

Lauren said...

That is a really cool shot. I immediately thought of an ultrasound too.

JESSICA said...

I think of those times often too that I will never get to have with my Kaylee, especially since we are coming up on her first angel day next weekend. Its HARD but like you said tomorrow is not promised so I have to make the most out of each day especially for the daughter that I have here on earth. *hugs*

Poppy said...

Thinking of you....

Devon said...

beautiful erika....wishing your girls were here too. sometimes i think of all the good that has happened since they died and sometimes i wonder if i would give it all back just to have them again....

((hugs)) thank you for sharing your heart!

happygal said...

I am so sorry. That is a loss that will be there forever, I am sure. You have a moving way of talking about it and working through it. And your daughter is beautiful. I am sorry for the pain you feel.

The Amazing Trips said...

I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. Beyond that, there really aren't any words... except, you're in my heart.