Ever have those days that mean something to you and not anyone else? Those anniversaries that bring you back to a time and a place long ago - but for everyone else, it's just an ordinary day?
That was Friday and Saturday for me. On Friday, Ginger became the same age Paprika was when we found out Vivian and Annemarie had passed away in-utero. On Saturday, Ginger became the same age Paprika was when I delivered Annemarie and Vivian.
I remember thinking that Paprika was so grown-up when we lost the twins...but here what she looked like that weekend, when she was exactly Ginger's age:
She was just a baby.
The day we found out the twins had passed away, was also the last time I ever nursed Paprika. I was in the hospital for several days after I had them, so I was gone from her...and by the time I got home, that was it.
So, I guess the days are just even more emotional for me because I think about what happened afterwards, and how life was never the same.
Here we are almost three years later. I know I should probably stop talking about Vivian and Annemarie. People will tell me to move on. It's just hard. I really am doing so much better than I was - I know that. I am very grateful for my life and for the tremendous blessings in it.
Just sometimes I get a little nostalgic thinking of Paprika being Ginger's age. I was pregnant then, just as I am pregnant now. It's kind of a full-circle thing.
So, this weekend we have just been laying low. It's not really one of those anniversaries that anyone else would think about or remember. But it's been on my mind for a long time.
I don't remember hardly anything about the year that followed the loss of Vivian and Annemarie. It is a blur, and I was out of my mind for most of it. Paprika gave me a reason to get up in the morning and go on living. I am so glad I have this blog because otherwise I don't think I would remember anything about that year!
So this next year with Ginger is kind of new to me. I know I have raised a two year old before...I just don't quite recall it very well! ;-)
Speaking of being pregnant, this is my quick little belly shot I took the other day. Please excuse so many things about this photo. I just had to take a quick little pic because so far this pregnancy, I haven't taken any pictures of my "baby bump" (as Paprika likes to call it!) :-)
I have scheduled an elective ultrasound for this coming Wednesday to find out if little Pavenzia is a boy or a girl!!!
Even though I have a doctor's ultrasound the following week, I really wanted Mr. Mustard, Paprika, and Ginger to be there when we find out if it's a boy or a girl. I will let you all know, of course, as soon as I know. I am counting down the minutes!
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8 comments:
Erika,
Never stop talking about them. Never let anyone else decide for you when you should move on. They were your babies. It is your loss. Your grief. Your children. Sometimes, when we are in the throws of grief, time doesn't even occur to us. What happened two years ago suddenly feels like two days. That is why you can speak about them anytime you want to, out loud, or think about them in your head-just like you do with sweet P & G everyday- because they are, and will always be, your children.
Love and prayers from the north, Emily
You are getting on with your life. Here's the thing... your daughters Vivian and Annemarie are a year of your life. You don't erase a year just because it was painful.You don't forget 2 children you created and loved. I go through days and moments where things flood to the top and it's been 34 years since I miscarried my baby girl. I can hear her name used for others now without pain, but it still makes me reflect and ache for the "what if". Live your life your way, nobody walks in your shoes but you. Denial is not healthy for me.Only you know what feels right for you.
That is one adorable baby bump, "Say Cheese Baby", I encourage you to take as many photos of BB as you do with P & G.
I think Ginger looks more grown up. Charlie is doing the same thing. All of a sudden he's looking like a little boy and less like his "baby" self. Sniff,sniff... at least I have almost daily photos to look back on.
Take life as it comes, it's more fun that way... one sweet surprise after the other. I think it's the little moments that make up a life, with sprinkles of wow here and there.
Huggo to my favorite preggo :)
P.S.
New adorable photos of my 3 on the blog.
You should absolutely not stop talking about Vivian and Annemarie. They are your babies and they will always be a part of your life-no matter what! The only memories you really have of them is during pregnancy so of course seeing Ginger at that same age Paprika plus being pregnant again is going to flash you back to a lot of those thoughts and feelings. It just goes to show that they are there no matter what stage in your life you are in. You will always flash back to those feelings, maybe not as often, but they are forever a part of your life. I know how painful those feelings can be so I hope you're feeling better soon. Love the "baby bump" photo and so exciting that you are finding out so soon:)
Please know that you are such an inspiration to so many of us. You help make me feel normal in how I feel when I am missing Lucas and Caleb.
Thank you for sharing so openly. And I can't wait to hear if Pavenzia is a boy or girl.
~Carrie
PS Beautiful baby bump
In doula training a met a woman who lost twin girls 13 years ago. For many reasons, she didn't speak about it, kind of locked herself away out of sadness, guilt. In class, she was opening up about it and dealing with the loss for almost the first time...it had been a really painful 13 LONG years. By talking about them, you're healing and you're remembering. Two VERY important things. So, never stop talking about them.
btw, you're bump is adorable :)
xoxox, siri
Agree with the above...never stop talking about your beautiful angels. If others have a problem with that...well, its their problem.
Ok, that is seriously one of the cutest little "baby bumps" I have ever seen!! Eeeek! And my goodness girl, you are TINY!
Can't wait to hear the results of Wednesday's ultrasound!!
You guys are the SWEETEST!!!!! Thank you so much for the kind words and support. They mean SO MUCH to me!!! Of course I will let you know as soon as I know if Pavenzia is a boy or a girl. :-) And thank you for letting me talk about Vivian and Annemarie. I still miss them so much and it's wonderful to be able to share my heart with you!!!
Don't ever stop talking about them, Erika. I will always want to hear about all your babies. Many hugs on another hard anniversary of sorts.
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