Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Too Precious To Let Go

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One of the most challenging things about living out here in LaLa-Land is the distance from my family, especially during hard times. My Grandpa is not doing well, and it's hard for me to be so far from everyone.

His condition is very serious - it's cancer, very advanced, very aggressive. I am so sad, and just heartbroken, really.

I took these photos of Grandpa back in late June, when we were in Indy for Ginger's birthday. It is so strange to me how much things can change in just three months.

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I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt that I am not in Indiana to help out...and that even when I am able to travel out there (soon), I will have my arms full with Paprika and Ginger and really won't be of much help anyway. But I'll be there, at least.

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Ever since our twins passed away, I have felt sort of resigned to death. They left us so suddenly, as did Mr. Mustard's father...just three years before. Steven died suddenly, too. I felt then, as I do now, a sense of powerless over death. It comes when it wants, is brutal, and unforgiving, and leaves us all picking up the pieces.

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My Grandpa is still here with us. And I hope he will be here with us as long as he can be. I know the day is coming when I won't be able to pick up the phone and talk with him. I want Ginger and Paprika to remember him and know how important he has been to me - how he has shaped my life in so many profound ways.

I know that death comes for all of us. Because our days are numbered, we enjoy the sunshine more fully and let the good times fill our souls more deeply. It's a fact of life, and one that makes life so precious and splendid, so rare and beautiful.

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I want to remember all the good days I've had with my Grandpa. I am grateful for the long, beautiful, amazing life he has led and that I have been able to spend 33 years (and counting!) as his granddaughter. I just don't want our time together to come to an end, and I am praying that we still have good times ahead of us...because I am not ready to let go of him.

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6 comments:

ryansmom said...

My heart goes out to you. I know how hard it was when both of my grandfathers passed. I will keep him in my prayers. I happy you are going to see him soon so you'll have the chance to let him know how much you've enjoyed spending your life with him. Love and hugs to you.

Lauren said...

I'm sorry to hear your sweet Grandpa is sick. I'll be praying for him.

Jamie said...

I feelm your sadness and hurt. I loved my Pee Paw (my name for my Grandpa) so much and it nearly destroyed me. I was not able to see him and felt guilty. THAT was one of the worst times of my life...
However, over time I came to realize two things. 1)He was with our LORD and he was great-no more pain, no more hurting, no more uneasiness; He was singing praises and feasting at the table! 2)He now has the best seat in the house when it comes to my life. He misses nothing, because he is apart of it all.
I understand what you are going through, and I will pray that God provides you a sense of peace through all of this.

Sheila said...

Call him now. Don't hold anything back. You are not bothering him know matter what he's going through. Let him know his being here on Earth has had a profound impact on your family and you. Tell him all the things you love most about him, your favorite memories. Don't assume he knows what a treasure he is to you. Unbridled love is a powerful healer. You will ease his suffering every time he thinks of your words. DO IT NOW! Every time you think of him, call him and chat for however long he can talk.
Share the joy in your life with him. He is a vital link in your life's chain.
When you go to visit him, hold him for as long as you want, don't be embarassed to cry and look him in the eye and let him know that you carry him in your heart now and always. He will never be separated from you.

Sheila said...

The apple didn't fall far from the tree. You favor your Grandpa quite a bit. Hugs to you. Have a wonderful chat.

Sheila said...

Your Grandma looks like a darling too.