Sunday, October 12, 2008

Three Months Ago

Today is the three month anniversary of Vivian and Annemarie's birth. So much has changed since July 12th, and yet nothing has changed. This has been the hardest year, for so many reasons, but mostly because we lost our girls this year.

I write letters often to Vivian and Annemarie in my private journal. Here is today's letter:

Dear Vivian and Annemarie,

Three months ago today, I was in labor with you both at Cedars-Sinai. Today was the day I held you in my arms, and said goodbye to you both. Every day since then has been so painful. My heart aches for you. I love you both so much, and it is so hard to go on with my life, knowing that you are not in it. I have to go on for Paprika's sake, and for Daddy's sake, but I don't want to. I want life to stop, and I want to join you both up in Heaven.

Girls, I miss you and love you with all my heart. I can't believe that you're gone. Today when Paprika takes a nap, I'll kiss your pictures and hold your urns. I just wish I was holding you alive, and watching you nap in the bassinet beside my bed.

It is terribly unfair that we are separated by Death, and I don't know that I will ever understand why this had to be. You will always be my daughters, my second and third children, and the loves of my life. Never were two girls wanted more than you were. Never were two girls more loved.

Vivian, you would have been a great big sister to Annemarie, who was born 18 minutes after you were. You were so strong, and beautiful, and all I wanted was to watch you grow up.

Annemarie, my littlest baby, how much would I have loved to watch you grow and be my littlest star. You were beautiful and sweet, and strong, and lovely.

I am so sorry you both had to die. I hope you did not suffer. I love you both with all my heart.

I love you today and every day, my sweets.


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