All Alone

One thing I can say is that Paprika gets a lot of individualized attention. She has me 24-7, and overall is a really happy, well-adjusted child.

At the same time, I look at her and am so sad that she is growing up without any siblings around her. We were supposed to be a full house, right about now, with three kids under the age of three.

I think about how much she would have loved playing with her sisters, and as they grew how much fun they would have had getting into trouble.

It is so much fun getting to focus all my attention on Paprika, don't get me wrong. It's just that sometimes it is a lot of pressure, and I have to pull myself together (can't wallow in grief) when someone so important is relying on me as her everything.

I know she gets exposed to other kids from the playdates we have, and the child-centered places we go. But it's not the same as having your own siblings.

I've been thinking a lot about my decision to give up my career to stay home with Paprika, whether that was the right thing to do. We re-evaluate all the time, of course, and I imagine what it would be like to pursue a high-powered career, make loads of money, and all that. I guess it would give me significance outside my home- because right now, my everything is my family. But, when 2/3 of your children aren't with you, it's difficult to find that wholeness in the home. Still, I think it was the right decision for our family for me to stay home.

I guess what I'm saying is that I really miss Vivian and Annemarie- not just for me, but also because I had so many dreams of what they would mean to Paprika. Not having them here makes our house seem so empty. I keep thinking, "they should be here now." But they're not, and it's something I have to wake up to every single day.