Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Down At The Beach Last Night

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We all went down to the beach last night after Mr. M got home from work. During the day, the beach is swarming with tourists and day-trippers. But in the evenings, it's all ours.

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I didn't expect the 12th to hit me so hard this year. But it did. It was just really a hard couple of days for me. Maybe it has something to do with me being pregnant and more emotional. Or because the world has (understandably) moved on, and sometimes I feel alone holding this grief. Or because it was also my cousin's birthday, and I was thinking of his mom, dad, and brother, too.

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I just don't know. I do know that I got through the 11th and 12th, both really hard days for me. The 11th is the day I found out Vivian and Annemarie had passed away in utero and I went into labor. The 12th is the day I had Vivian and Annemarie, after 18 hours of labor. It is the day I held them and saw them, and really when we said goodbye to them. So, both those days are just really rough.

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I really do appreciate all the emails and calls, and even thoughts from far away. I am part of two online groups of moms - you know who you are - and honestly, they just blow me away with how amazing and supportive they are. I met most of these women when I was pregnant with Paprika, and it is just incredible how our friendships have evolved over the years into something really unique and beautiful. I am also so appreciative to the readers of this blog, who have stuck with me these past three years. Thank you for being there for our family through the good times and the bad.

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I guess three years later, I am still trying to make sense of it all. What does it all mean? What was their purpose? Why did I get pregnant with them, only to have them taken so soon and so suddenly? I just don't understand and I don't think I ever will.

Out of their lives, a lot of beauty has happened. But I don't think that if they had lived, life would be less beautiful. You can choose to find the beauty in anything, and likewise, the dark side, too.

So, I count my blessings for what we do have, and never forget the little girls who kissed our lives for such a short time.

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Three years later, I am amazed at many so things. One is how incredible this man is. I don't know how I lucked out, but man, if there is one thing I did right, it was marrying him.

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And this little girl, who was not yet two years old when Vivian and Annemarie went to Heaven. So many mornings she was my reason for waking up, getting dressed, and getting on with my life. When I look at her, all I see is love.

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And this baby girl, who was so prayed for and loved even before she was born. Here she is, everything we could have ever dreamt of and more. Not taking the place of Vivian and Annemarie, but carving out her own unique niche in our family that is 100% hers. I always whisper to her: You are my dream come true. Because she is.

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So, the 12th has come and gone. We are still standing. Weak but strong. Happy but a little sad, too. I guess that's just life and we'll keep going on, because that's all we can do.

Our trip to the beach last night was spur of the moment, and I threw my camera on my shoulder as we walked out the door. I wasn't planning on taking any photos, but somehow the moment just overtook me. I caught a moment with Mr. M and Ginger that made my heart swell, and made everything seem just right for that moment. Here are the photos...I couldn't choose just one, so I am posting them all. :-)

Peace and love, and until next time...

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6 comments:

McCryssy said...

As much extra love I can muster, I'm sending to you and your family. XXOO

Sheila said...

XOXO

Mimi said...

well done for getting through it, it must be incredibly difficult.
Your beach and ocean look like a very peaceful place, lovely to have it so close to you.

Devon said...

love your babies! all of them...

your pics are gorgeous, as usual....

thinking of you friend. ((hugs))

ps. year 3 was really hard for me too.

Julie said...

Beautiful pictures and a wonderful post. I can never imagine what you are going through but I wanted to send you my love and support.

RB said...

so much love to you all