Sunday, September 28, 2008

Learning To Live Without Them

A lot of people have asked me how I'm feeling, whether we're going to try to have more children, and many other questions lately. We are getting by- grateful to have Paprika and happy for the joy she brings to our lives- but also incredibly sad for the loss we have experienced.

I know we will never "get over" losing Vivian and Annemarie. I know I think about them every day- pretty much every second of every day. We are sad in the way you are when you experience a loss that changes the shape of your life forever. It's as if we have lost two of our limbs, and we are trying to navigate the world with no arms, or no hands. It's incredibly hard, but it's not something that can be fixed, either. We must learn to live without them, as unfathomably hard as that is for us to comprehend.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that we have to go on- for Paprika, mostly. I don't want her to grow up with parents who are angry, sulky, and depressed all the time. We put on a brave face for her and we are trying to create a life for her that is wonderful, magical, and full of hope.

But, that doesn't mean that we don't think about Vivian and Annemarie and mourn for them. I don't know what the future holds for our family, but I do know that we are trying to make the best come from our lives. I want to live a life of meaning- one that would make Vivian and Annemarie proud of their mommy.

I also feel a significant increase in my desire to become worthy of Heaven. I know Annemarie and Vivian are in Heaven. I want to see them again so badly, I'm doing everything I can so that when my time comes, I'll get to join them.

In the meantime, we are doing our best to walk through this terrible tragedy and create a life worth living here on Earth. All days are hard for us right now, most are incredibly hard, and I don't know when things will get better. But the one thing we have right now is hope- hope that our family can grow, hope that we can make the most of the days that we do have, and hope that our girls are looking down on us from Heaven and that they know how infinitely much we love them.

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