A Different Life

I've been thinking a lot about Vivian and Annemarie lately. Not more than usual...but not less than usual either. Okay, that made no sense!

Today is the 21 month anniversary of their stillbirth, and in some ways that seems like a very long time ago, and in some ways it seems like a moment ago.

I find I am much less angry now than I used to be. But I am still sad, and I still wish that they were here, and I still think about them every single day.

Last week I was at Target and I caught sight of this woman in the store with her big orange double BOB stroller (the same stroller I have). When I see someone with a double stroller, I always look to see if it's twins, and there they were, identical girls about 21 months old. The woman looked almost exactly like I do. Same hair, same style of clothes, same height. She could be my body double, or vice versa.

I looked at her and thought about how different my life would have been if Vivian and Annemarie were still alive.

I also thought about how 20 months ago, I might have collapsed on the floor of Target and started sobbing hysterically, the way I did in the elevator at The Gap on Michigan Avenue in Chicago just weeks after they died.

I thought about how 15 months ago, I would have been so angry. At her, at the situation, at God.

But on this day last week, I just observed her. I didn't cry about it, or feel sorry for myself. I was happy for her. Sad for me. Happy for her.

In some ways, I know I'm healing. I mean, I have to...it's the only choice I've got. I have too much to live for to not move forward.



When we moved into our new house a month ago, I met my next-door neighbor and she said, "You're going to love this block. There are lots of kids. I have twins, so and so has twins, oh, and the people three doors down have twins...I guess this block is the block of twins."

I just kind of wagged my head. Really? Did I have to move all the way across Los Angeles just to live next door to twins?

Last week, I was taking Paprika and Ginger for a walk around the block, and I met one of the other neighbors with twins. She introduced herself and told me that she had 20 month old twins...exactly the same age Vivian and Annemarie would be.

It caught me off-guard because I thought her twins were older, and the fact that they're the same age...it just changes things. Now whenever I'm in my backyard and I hear those kids playing, I think about Vivian and Annemarie and wish they were outside playing, too.

I keep running into this mom and she constantly reminds me that she has twins...and I think that's because she wants me to give the standard twin reaction- which is "OMG, you have twins! How amazing/crazy/cool/stressful!!! Do twins run in your family?!"

But I haven't reacted that way, and I haven't told her our story either. Don't get me wrong, I am nice to her. I just don't dwell on the fact that she has twins and rave over how awesome and special it must be.

The truth is, I'm not sure what to share with people anymore. I don't walk up to people and tell them that I graduated from a top law school and that I was on law review. Or that I've written two books. I don't tell them that Mr. Mustard has won two Emmy's and about all his other amazing accomplishments in the world of television and film (even though I am immensely proud of him).

Point being, I don't go into the intricacies of many parts of our life. But it feels weird not to talk about our twins, especially to another mom and to someone who keeps talking about her twins. But at the same time, when I do bring them up, a lot of times people don't know what to say and I end up feeling worse after the conversation.

Sometimes I imagine a different life where I met Devon at the Mom's of Multiples club instead of at Grief Group. I imagine strolling down to this woman's house with my "wouldn't you know it, our twins are exactly the same age" story and having coffee with her.

But, that's not my life.

I feel sometimes who I was prior to July 12th died, and a new me emerged at the same time.

Paprika and I were looking through old photos tonight...the ones from when she was Ginger's age, and I don't really recognize myself. Sure, I look the same but I'm not the same.

The new me is still happy. I am still excited by what life has to offer in the future. But the girl in those old pictures has no idea what's coming next. I like that girl...but she's not me anymore.

Anyway...just feeling reflective tonight. Grief has changed me in a lot of ways. Made me more patient, for sure. Less perfectionistic. Less concerned with what other people think of me. More expressive. More forgiving.

But even with these gifts, I still miss Vivian and Annemarie and often wonder what might have been. I'm not going to slide down the looking glass chasing a dream that won't ever happen, but I still miss them and honor them and wish they were here playing in the backyard with their sisters.

One Nap, No Nap!

On Friday, we went to three parks. What can I say, I am picky about my parks! The first park had some mean kids at it- they were not being very nice to Paprika, and the nannies of these kids were on their cell phones not paying attention - one of my pet peeves! So, we packed up and drove by another nearby park (but it was on a busy street and not fenced)...so we ended up back at our new favorite park where we can feed ducks! Sometimes it's good to branch out and other times it's good to just stick with old faithful!

I still miss our old park (you know, the one with the Tin Man)- but our new favorite park is coming in a close second!

When we were done feeding the ducks, Paprika had a great time on the playground and Ginger sat in the grass (where I snapped these photos)!



Ginger's having one awful time with her sleeping. She is basically not napping at all now. I remember that when Paprika was about this age, she dropped down to one nap/day. I remember it well because it was when we were staying in Chicago for extended periods of time when Mr. Mustard was working for Oprah. Ah, life living at the Omni - especially because Oprah was paying for it! Ha!

Anyway, it seemed like we spent that whole summer of 2007 in Chicago, and during that time I was really fighting Paprika going down to one nap. I blamed the whole thing on us living in a hotel in Chicago and breaking our routine.

But guess what...Ginger is dropping her naps even earlier than Paprika did! What gives?



Basically, Ginger wakes up for the day around 8am. She's happy for about three hours, and then she fights a nap from about 11am until 5pm, when she takes a nap for about 1/2 hour. Then she is up from the end of her nap (about 5:30pm) and fights sleep until about 11pm. Then she wakes up often throughout the night. During the time she's fighting her nap, she just wants to be held in the Ergo and nursing. All day long.

I can stay home and spend my days trying to get her to sleep, or we can get out of the house and do fun stuff. Sometimes I opt to stay home and try to get her to nap. Sometimes I get out of the house and just let the napping fall by the wayside because as much fun as it is to stay home, it's also great to get out and see the world, you know?!

The good news is that even when Ginger is super tired, she's still a trooper and as long as I'm there right beside her, she's happy as can be.

Well, what do you know...as I am writing this entry, Ginger has fallen asleep in my arms! Hallelujah!

The Big Juggling Act!

One of my biggest challenges is how to give both Paprika and Ginger quality one-on-one attention. Ginger demands a good portion of my time (obviously!) and it's one of those bittersweet things- so happy for Paprika to have a living sibling and for the immeasurable joy that Ginger brings to our lives...but also I miss out on my one on one times with Paprika, since for almost three years she got every single second of my time most days. I obviously wouldn't trade what I have now for the world, it's just different than it used to be!



When Ginger goes down for her nap (which isn't happening too often lately, ahem!), that's my Paprika time. Love these moments...like we had today! I can't tell you how much she refreshes me, and being with her helps me see the beauty and joy in the small things.



Here are a few more pics taken today during Ginger's naptime- Paprika and I made the most of it!!! ;-)

Shell Cottage

I've been bouncing around names for our new house.

The Beach Shack?

The Beach Bungalow?

The House Held Together By Duct Tape?

Today it hit me...

Shell Cottage!

For all you Harry Potter fans, you'll get the reference. We are HUGE Harry Potter fans. Mr. Mustard and I have read all seven of the books aloud to each other (some of the books more than once). That's right...we read them aloud. I've read them all through a few times- I wish JKR would write more Harry Potter books (although I heard a rumor that she IS writing another one). Wouldn't that be awesome?

Needless to say, I think the name is perfect!!! Shell Cottage.



In other news, they found our buyer for our old house. He wasn't in a ditch. He was in the hospital, although we still have no idea why (not that it's our business anyway). I am so thankful he's okay! Phew!



Today we all went to The Habit for lunch (yum!) and then to the beach for a long stroll. Mr. Mustard worked a 27 hour day yesterday (I don't know how you can cram 27 hours into a day, but he did). Anyway, he got home exhausted and today was all about refreshment. So, the beach and The Habit were in order for all his extremely hard work. I hope you're watching DWTS- I am loving this season and I am super impressed seeing all the hard work translated on-screen!

Oh Happy Day! - Skinny Tuesday

Well, I realize I haven't done a Skinny Tuesday post since we moved...a month ago!

Over a month ago.

I've been living in denial. I'm still paying for my WW online subscription, but I haven't been counting my points.

And I've been eating chocolate. Every day. Every meal, actually!

I weighed myself, and I'm at the same place I was when we moved.

Not more.

Not less.

And that's okay. (Although it would be so much better if I were all of a sudden magically at my goal weight, wouldn't it be?)

I guess you could say I've been distracted. Working hard on moving, selling our house, and getting settled. And having some fun, too.



I keep hearing all these great things about PX-something or other. PX-90? I don't know. I am not ready to go there yet.

But, since I am living by the beach...having a bangin' beach bod would be pretty awesome. I still have time before summmer, right? Oh, wait...I live in LA. There are no seasons here. Guess I gotta get motivated again!

I am mostly still eating organic and healthy, which is why I think I haven't gained any weight since we moved even though I've been eating anything and everything I want!

So yea, I need motivation. I am not sure what my motivation is at the moment. I'm in that comfy place of weight- not where I want to be, but not disgusted with myself either. Maybe I need to go look at some pictures of Heidi Klum and get myself motivated because at the moment, I am just enjoying every sweet morsel of life...and of each bite I eat! What's your motivation?