The Gift - Five Years!

So, today is Vivian and Annemarie's 5 Year Birthday.

It is also the birthday of my cousin Stephen, who died tragically almost three years ago in a car accident at the age of 21. It is also the 7 year birthday of my friend Kimber's daughter, Kambry, who died five hours after she was born.

Heavy stuff.

I have thought many times about what to write today - and while I could write something poetic and sugary, instead I am going to provide a few glimpses into the mess of life and what the past five years have taught me.

Here goes:

A few days ago, I took Paprika to swimming lessons, and Ginger wanted to go home immediately and let me know by yelling that she wanted to go home NOW. She also didn't want to wear clothes and ripped every article of clothing off that I tried to put on her.  I've been told this is typical four year old behavior.

But even though Ginger wanted to leave right then, I had to pick up the forms for the swim team photos, and Violet started crying to go to the park. So, while Paprika was at swim team practice, I strapped Ginger on my back in the Ergo (I did manage to get her blue pants on) - and I put Violet on my front in another Ergo.

A few minutes later, Ginger wanted to get down and run through the empty field next to the pool - but she wasn't wearing a shirt or shoes (just her blue pants).

She is 4 years old now (as of a few weeks ago), so I wondered if it would be appropriate for her to run around without a shirt on. But her hair is short. And she was wearing blue pants.  So, really, she can pass for a boy.  She started to have a little fit, and I knew that if she were allowed to run free, she would be incredibly happy in an instant.

I thought about how society (what does that even mean???) has decided it's okay for little boys to run around without a shirt, but it's not okay for little girls. 

And then I realized I didn't give a crap about any of that.   She was safe, she was with me, and the only thing holding me back was the shirt.   I let her down and she ran free with the wind in her hair, not a care in the world. She laughed, and danced, and smiled. She was barefoot in a public park with her messed up wild mop, and yes, people were judging me as a mom. And maybe even feeling sorry for Ginger.

But I thought to myself: If today was Ginger's last day on Earth, would I have wanted to stop her from running when she was safe, and the sun was shining, and the only reason I would have said no was because of the shirt?

Clearly, no.  Thank you, Vivian and Annemarie.

*****

So, the next day (yesterday) we were supposed to have the Swim Team Photos. We were supposed to be at the pool at 6:30, and at 5:00, we got an email that the pictures were cancelled. Within a few moments, there were dozens of helicopters circling over my neighborhood because it turns out that a dead body was found in a mound of dirt in the parking lot right next to the pool.

I didn't feel scared. I just felt sad, and wondered who this person was who was buried in the dirt. Apparently, the body had been there for a few days and so I probably walked by without even knowing for several days.

I thought about how five years ago at that same time, I was finding out that our twin daughters had died inside my body, and how I was going to deliver them...soon. I thought about how scared I was, and how I had never really touched a dead body and yet soon I would be delivering my two daughters stillborn. And yet, 18 hours of labor later, I was no longer scared.  I held them, and prayed over them, and they were my daughters. 

I think those hours of holding them actually changed me more than anything else in my entire life.  And it also made me not fear death for myself ever again.

Thank you, Vivian and Annemarie.

***********

So, while all this was going on yestrday, I set up a tent in the backyard for the girls to play pretend campout. This is the same tent my dad used to take me camping in when I was 11 or 12.
 


I watched the girls play inside the tent, and they were supremely happy.

 I wanted to stop time and just watch them in this moment forever.



Soon, Mr. M came home and I was so relieved to spend the evening with him after an exhausting day. But a few minutes after he walked in the door, he got called back into work...and there I was: alone and responsible for dinner, bath, piano practice, and bedtime with three girls excited from playing in the tent.

Everything went great until bedtime. Usually, I put Ginger and Paprika to bed and Mr. M gets Violet to sleep. He lays down with her and listens to Classical Music until she falls asleep beside him.  I know Violet looks forward to this special time with her dad all day.

Well, let's just say Violet wanted to wait up for Daddy because no matter what I did, she refused to go to sleep. I rocked her in the Ergo for an hour, nursed her, laid in bed and listened to Classical Music with her, laid with her on the couch with a white noise maker, and tried putting her in my bed.

Nope...not sleeping!

Around 1 am, I went to turn out Paprika's light in her room (she was still awake, reading in bed) and left Violet in bed in the guest bedroom (where she typically falls asleep with her dad).  As soon as I walked out of the room, Violet jumped out of bed, turned on the computer, fired up Amazon Instant Streaming, AND threw 700 sheets of paper (an entire ream) onto the floor. All in 30 seconds.

She is a year and a half old, guys!  I was like: SERIOUSLY.

I put her back in the bedroom by herself and asked her to go to sleep, and everytime she came out, I said: Go back to bed!

By now, it was 2am.

Then, I gave up. I sat on the couch and read books on my Kindle. She came out of the bedroom, got a stepping stool and practiced her signature "jumping off the stepstool" move about 350 times. She was so happy. She was laughing and so proud of herself every time she landed the jump.


I watched her, and then I was laughing.  Her joy was infectious.

And yet, in that moment, I also remembered that  five years ago at that exact time, I thought my life had ended. Correction: I wanted my life to end.


By now, it was 2:30 plus in the morning.  I was exhausted...yes.  But, I had a living, breathing, healthy child doing tricks for me in my living room.

And was I going to get upset just because I was tired or her joy wasn't happening on MY timetable? No! Of course not!

Thank you, Vivian and Annemarie.

************ 

I grieve that I don't get to watch two of my daughters grow up. I wonder what their personalities would be at five years old. Paprika, Ginger, and Violet are all so different.  Vivian and Annemarie would be, too.

I wonder would Vivian like buttered toast? Would her favorite color be green? Would she be loud and physical or quiet and bookish? Would Annemarie love to travel or be a homebody? Would she love math or science or reading...or all of the above? What would her laugh sound like? Would she like baths? Would she be scared to ride her bike or fearless?

The truth is: I don't know. And I never will. (Unless in Heaven they have bikes or something).

But, I do get the extreme privilege of raising Paprika, Ginger, and Violet for now. I got to wake  up today and feel the sun on my face and the wind in my hair.  I got to make a little girl happy by letting her run free in the park.  I laughed with my baby daughter last night at 3am as she jumped up and down off her stepping stool, so proud of herself.

And I will never ever take any of these moments for granted.

Those are the gifts I've received as a result of a terrible and tragic loss.  It doesn't make it better, or even okay.  But I am finding peace, and enjoying the moments of sunshine that fill the broken cracks of heartache.  That is Vivian and Annemarie's legacy.  It's not their whole legacy, of course...just a few snapshots I wanted to share today. 

Five years ago I never thought I'd feel happy ever again.  And it's true - I have not felt the same kind of happiness that I felt before they died. 

I have a different kind of happy now - different, but still true.  It has more layers, and more colors, and many more dimensions.  But, it is happiness, just the same.  And for me, that is a miracle.


xoxo,
Erika

Five Years...

We've had many park days lately.  I could fill a whole photo album (if I made photo albums) of our trips to the park together.  The pictures are all kinds of ordinary, but I cherish this kind of ordinary.  It reminds me of this beautiful life, and how I could never take it for granted - not one second of it.




Last week (March 5th) was the birthday of Devon's boys.  They would have been five years old.  They died on March 7th and 8th, two and three days after they were born - and so all last week Devon and her boys were especially on my mind.  I thought back to five years ago, and being pregnant with Vivian and Annemarie - and how time and circumstance have changed me and changed the lives of everyone I know.

A lot of days, I feel like rocks in the canyon, with water flowing over me and carving its name into my soul.  It happens slowly - and five years is just a blink.  But these past five years have cut deep:  Vivian, Annemarie, Blake, Ethan, Grandpa, Eric, Steven.  And it spreads out from there - the people I have met, each carrying their own losses too painful to speak.



And in five years, so much joy, as well.  Devon has a little girl now - the same age as Ginger.  And I have my sweet Ginger and my Violet.  I look at these girls and they are miraculous to me.  Miraculous works of the Creator.  I know all babies are - Blake and Ethan and Vivian and Annemarie are also Miraculous works of the Creator.  I know that now even more than I knew it five years ago.



So last Tuesday, like I said, was Blake and Ethan's birthday.  I had been building up to it for a month - thinking about it - wondering what that day would be like - Five Years.  I (silently) built it up in my head that no one should do anything on that day.  Like there would be a National Day of Silence - no Facebooking or driving, etc. 





Paprika's school sent home a flyer that they would be going on a Field Trip to the Police Station on that day, and I was honestly upset.  How could they go on a freaking Field Trip on Blake and Ethan's birthday?!!!  Don't they understand March 5th: National Day of Silence, no Facebooking and no Driving Day?

But that's the thing - they did go on the field trip.  And I guess that's how it has to be.  Paprika and her classmates all lined up like little ducks and walked (waddled?) downtown to the Police Station.  The Mayor's daughter is in Paprika's class.  So, the Mayor took the day off and waddled downtown with the little ducks...and personally took them on a tour of City Hall.  Paprika came home beaming that she got to sit at the Mayor's desk and pound the gavel one time.  She was so full of life, and so very happy.

I'm not sure, but I think Blake and Ethan would have preferred that over a day of silence in their memories.  It was me who wanted to sit still and feel sorry about them not being here - about the pain of that day, and what five years means to a mom missing her children.  Of course, I'm not just talking about Devon now, am I?




God is working on me in big (and small) ways - and the more I look back at my life, the more I see how fortunate I am to have lived through all I have lived through in these 35 short years.  God is using me, and I don't think He's finished with me yet.  At least I hope not!  ;-)





I haven't begun to figure out half the things I want to figure out - and I don't know what grief looks like 10 or 20 or 50 years from now. 

I do know that every day I wake up, I look to my purpose.  Some days, my purpose is creating magical moments with my family - days in the sunshine that I know we'll remember for a lifetime. 

And then some days, my purpose is making sure the kids are well rested, fed, bathed, getting the dishes done, taking care of the laundry, putting food on the table.  It's setting the stage so that the magical moments can happen, too.   Magical moments don't happy to hungry, tired kids...at least not around here!.  ;-). 

It's about not sweating the small things - like Baby Violet who only wants what her sisters have - so she wears her 6 1/2 year old sister's jacket everywhere.  We roll up the sleeves and make it work.  I'm finding that life is a lot about improvisation and finding happiness with what is...not what might have been or could be if only.




Life is not at all how I expected it would be - but it is beautiful just the same.




The End.

And Just Like That...

It's November! We've been playing outside until dark, swinging high on the swingset, bundling up when the temp goes down at night, staying in jammies till noon, and having pretend sleepovers in the living room.



Yesterday was my favorite shopping day of the year. The Day After Halloween. Oh, you didn't know that it's a shopping day? It is for us. We hit the Halloween Superstore and Target and raided their super clearance Halloween costumes. We have lots of new dress-up material...enough to last us until next Halloween!



I've had a hard time convincing Paprika that Halloween is over. I've been hyping up Thanksgiving. Ahhh, distraction! So far, it's working. Sorta.



This time of year is always one of great reflection. I keep thinking about how two years ago I was pregnant with Ginger at this time. I was so very scared and worried that she would not make it. And here she is...getting bigger every day. She is an amazing child and each day I wonder how we got so lucky with her.

And, of course, I also think about Vivian and Annemarie and wonder what they would be doing now. I wonder about the secrets they would share, the relationship they would have with Paprika, and what our lives would look like if they were here. I know that it's not great to go to those places in my mind. I just still miss them so much, and I think sometimes people think I've forgotten about them. But I haven't. It's so very bittersweet.

Rewind!

I realized that I never really blogged about our week in Indiana. I took very few photos when I was there, and then when I got home, I realized that my camera was set to super low quality, so all the photos I did take turned out horrible!

Needless to say, when we were there, my mind wasn't on taking photos at all. We arrived on Saturday night, and I spent every day over at my Grandma's house. I got sick from the plane (very sick), and then passed on my cold to Ginger (who also got very sick).

My Grandpa's funeral was last Wednesday, and I was so sick for it, I almost couldn't go (but of course I went)! I spent a lot of time visiting my mom's side of the family when I was in Indy, but of course, we were all sad and grieving over my Grandpa. I also got together with my dad and his side of the family a few times. That was wonderful, too. We talked a lot about Steven, and that was very healing. On top of that, my step-dad, Eric, started chemo/radiation for his cancer this past Monday (stage 4 colon cancer)...so that was on everyone's mind, as well.

What can I say, when it rains, it pours!

But, even though the visit was very sad and hard in many ways, we did find ways to make silver linings on the rain clouds overhead.

I got to take lots of long drives during Ginger's naptime (she had a way of only falling asleep for a nap in the car, so I just went with it). I got to admire the gorgeous Indiana Fall Foilage, something we don't really see in California!



Despite the fact that it was really hard to fly 2000 miles by myself with a 1 year old and a 4 year old, we ended up having a lot of fun on the plane.



Ginger of course wanted to make sure Boo (Paprika's doll) stayed hydrated! In general, Ginger and Paprika were both wonderful...except when Ginger decided to jump up and down on top of the tray tables during our first flight from LA to Houston. Oops!


And Paprika wanted to play hide and seek underneath the airplane seats!



By the time we were headed home, they were both old pros at flying. Ginger enjoyed the in-flight entertainment, and Paprika read the SkyMall catalog for about 5 hours. She was making up stories about all the products in SkyMall. Who knew it could be so entertaining?!



We spent a lot of time with my dad, who acted as our nanny for the week! He and his wife, Nancy, really stepped up to the plate and helped us out a lot!



I also got to visit with Ann three times - two nights out for dinner just us - and one night with all the kids together. Paprika calls Ann's kids "her cousins" - and they had a magical night playing together!





In between visiting with family, we spent a lot of time improvising...with all of our toys back in California, we had to make do. And if there is anything Paprika knows how to do, it is improvise and make do! Her favorite thing to do was to load Ginger into "the wagon" (the cooler we found in my Aunt Jane's garage) and fill it up with "snacks" for all of Paprika's dollies. Don't worry, the beer cans stayed closed! Ginger really enjoyed riding along!

Back From A Long Trip

We just got back into LA a few hours ago and I am logging onto the internet for the first time in nine days. It has been an emotional and very hard trip. My Grandpa passed away a week and a day ago, just ten hours before our flight arrived in Indy. I missed the chance to say goodbye to him. I know he knows how much I love him and how much he means to me.

It has been a very hard week, to say the least. I miss my Grandpa so very much, and I hope I can be a support to my Grandma and the rest of our family. He is so deeply missed and we love him so very much.

These are photos I took of Ginger a few weeks ago. I haven't had moment yet to upload ay new photos (I really didn't take many during our time in Indy anyway). I am posting these photos for my Grandma, because I know she reads my blog every day (hi Grandma!) and I want to put a smile on her face, if even only for a few moments. I love you, Grandma!

More later...it's been a very long day of travel.

xoxo,
Erika

Too Precious To Let Go

One of the most challenging things about living out here in LaLa-Land is the distance from my family, especially during hard times. My Grandpa is not doing well, and it's hard for me to be so far from everyone.

His condition is very serious - it's cancer, very advanced, very aggressive. I am so sad, and just heartbroken, really.

I took these photos of Grandpa back in late June, when we were in Indy for Ginger's birthday. It is so strange to me how much things can change in just three months.



I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt that I am not in Indiana to help out...and that even when I am able to travel out there (soon), I will have my arms full with Paprika and Ginger and really won't be of much help anyway. But I'll be there, at least.



Ever since our twins passed away, I have felt sort of resigned to death. They left us so suddenly, as did Mr. Mustard's father...just three years before. Steven died suddenly, too. I felt then, as I do now, a sense of powerless over death. It comes when it wants, is brutal, and unforgiving, and leaves us all picking up the pieces.



My Grandpa is still here with us. And I hope he will be here with us as long as he can be. I know the day is coming when I won't be able to pick up the phone and talk with him. I want Ginger and Paprika to remember him and know how important he has been to me - how he has shaped my life in so many profound ways.

I know that death comes for all of us. Because our days are numbered, we enjoy the sunshine more fully and let the good times fill our souls more deeply. It's a fact of life, and one that makes life so precious and splendid, so rare and beautiful.



I want to remember all the good days I've had with my Grandpa. I am grateful for the long, beautiful, amazing life he has led and that I have been able to spend 33 years (and counting!) as his granddaughter. I just don't want our time together to come to an end, and I am praying that we still have good times ahead of us...because I am not ready to let go of him.

Just Keep Swimming

Today we needed downtime. One thing I've learned in the past four years of parenthood, is that go-go-go has to be balanced with rest-peace-quiet...otherwise, well...things can get ugly real quick! Haha!

So, today I decided just to stay home with the girls. I had a Parent-Teacher meeting at Paprika's new preschool in the evening. I had a neighbor coming over to watch the girls, so I cleaned up the house a little more so than usual.

Paprika and Ginger entertained themselves by filling up ziplock baggies with water and pretending their playdoh cut-outs were fish from the pet store.

Paprika played beauty shop with her Princess Dolls and My Little Ponies. She gave them all haircuts. Cinderella, Snow White, and a bunch of random Barbies are all sporting mullets now. Serious mullets. Oh dear.

On a more serious note, my cousin, Steve, died one month ago today...and all day I was feeling pretty sad. I don't know why anniversaries have this pull over me - I guess things are just harder on anniversary days.

Then I went to the Preschool orientation for Paprika's class and the mom next to me has twin girls and all anyone wanted to talk about was how exciting and amazing and cool it was going to be to have twin girls in the class. (And of course some people commented on the drama, and how hard it must be...and that kind of stuff, too). I just felt that bitterness rising up in me - and I was sad when I really just wanted to be normal and happy. Normal, happy, and without baggage. Not that Vivian and Annemarie are baggage. But you know? Just to be able to sit and not think about sad things.

And yet, I am so happy and grateful and amazed at the beauty in my life. I guess some days are just harder than others.



Dory: Hey there, Mr. Grumpy Gills. When life gets you down do you wanna know what you've gotta do?

Marlin: No I don't wanna know.

Dory: [singing] Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim.

-Finding Nemo

Just An Ordinary Day

I have come to cherish the ordinary days. The days when the biggest item on the agenda is running to Trader Joe's to pick up a few things. Days like these really are a gift, you know?

I was talking to Mr. Mustard last night about something called "what if we'd never known the loss of our twins." You know, if they had never existed. We wouldn't know grief the way we do now. We were forever changed by them, and most of the time, I think we were changed for the better. Sometimes the mantle of grief is incalcuably heavy, and it's a lot to bear. Even now. And so sometimes I wish I could go back to that carefree innocence I once knew. But then I wouldn't have had them, and...well, I don't want that either.

And then I wonder, would these ordinary days feel so sweet without having experienced extraordinary loss?

I guess we will never know because we can only be where we are now because of what we have been through. Deep, right? ;-)



So, yes, today was one of those precious ordinary days. Just a day to hang out and make sandwiches, bake banana bread, and play in the backyard, and go down the slide again...



and again...



and again! (and maybe a few more times, too).



Paprika wanted to act out the story of The Three Bears and The Three Little Pigs over and over again. She was Goldilocks and the rest of us were the Three Bears...Papa Bear, Mama Bear, and Baby Bear.

When we were playing The Three Pigs, I got to be the Big Bad Wolf. That was a hoot. Somehow these fairy tales all have about four characters, which seems to work out for us.



Ginger wanted to pick all the lemons off the lemon tree- even the green ones. I let her do it. I know, I know. (They do grow back, right?)



We played in the backyard until the sun almost went down. Just like you would on an ordinary day.



I like you, ordinary day. Stick around. Put your pajamas on. Stay awhile.



Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow.

-Mary Jean Iron